My Relationship With Music (Spoiler - we get back together)

When I was in the 8th grade I taught myself how to play guitar.

The summer before high school, I began playing a small acoustic guitar that my parents had bought my brother for Christmas years ago. I learned every Taylor Swift and Miranda Lambert song, and played 8 hours a day. My fingers were calloused and tinted silver from the strings that hadn’t been changed since we bought it. I loved it so much.

I have always wanted to be a musician.

My mom told me she wanted me to play a song and audition for the brothers who just bought a restaurant not too far from where we live. I’d never played for anyone except the people we spent the weekends up at the boat with; I was beyond nervous. We went on a Friday afternoon and I played “Take A Bow” by Rihanna (a true 2008 bop). They were beyond welcoming and gave me my own night to play on their patio every week. I’ve been there ever since.

Now, I’m singing in the vocal jazz choir at school. I love the music student atmosphere and met some of my closest friends. When Grade 12 came, I auditioned for Humber College and got waitlisted. I remember getting a call in early June 2015, someone from the program calling me to ask me if I’m still interested in the program because there was a spot open. I cried, while I was on the phone with the woman. I didn’t audition or apply to any other schools or programs, I had no plan B.

I have always wanted to be a musician.

I learned so much during my intro year at Humber. I was so young (I guess I still am) and I wanted to soak up as much as I could. Honestly if it weren’t for that year I would have drowned in the degree program. I met so many amazing and talented people who I still get to call friends today. I was so motivated to learn and create. I re-auditioned for the degree program, and when I got in I was so excited.

The next two years got a lot harder. I know everyone goes through that with their schooling and I know everyone has second thoughts but I had never been one of those people. I always knew what I wanted to do but all of a sudden my motivation disappeared, and I didn’t want to do A N Y T H I N G. I don’t mean I didn’t want to do anything school related, or I was sick of assignments and homework. I shut myself off from everything. I didn’t play guitar anymore, I wasn’t writing, and I didn’t listen to music as much as I used to. When my parents tried to talk to me about it I couldn’t explain what I was feeling, and would cry for hours. I was so scared that music wasn’t going to work out, and I was doing nothing to make it happen for myself. I was so scared that if it did, I would lose all the people I love and care about.

Music and I broke up, and it was so bad. I’m not saying that lightheartedly, I honestly wanted nothing to do with it, and that scared me so much. It scared me because music had always been there for me, as an escape, a creative outlet. It was really the only thing I knew in a sense, the only thing I considered myself good at. Music has always been a part of my life. My dads entire family is musical, and he went to humber and graduated from the program I’m doing now. Music was literally everything to me, my entire life. Then, all of a sudden it became a scary and dark place for me, and I didn’t know what to do. So instead of facing my fears, and trying to work through it, I decided I would go into marketing. I was convinced I was going to go into a marketing program once I graduated. I told Jordan and my mom thats what I wanted to do, and I don’t know if they took me seriously or not, but they were supportive. My whole family is so beyond supportive. Without them I honestly wouldn’t be where I am now.

Sometimes I still get really anxious when I think about the future - but lets be real, who doesn’t? Looking back now, I now realize that I was looking at both of the worst case scenarios and I was so lost. I felt like I had no options. I genuinely felt like nobody understood how I was feeling. Then, I remembered my first day of the intro program, one of my teachers explained that we would all feel like this. She said music is not a set path that you can plan out like other things. She said it will feel like you’ll be walking through a dark, overgrown forest, with no trail, and there will be monsters in the forest, jumping on your back (inviting, right?). I remember thinking: “theres absolutely no way, that wont happen to me”.

I just finished my third year in the degree program at Humber and it was my favourite year ever in the history of my life. This year was all about creative growth and performance based evaluations. Back in September I was worried because I didn’t really know anybody well (and thats my own fault), and I was nervous to ask for help. But I met a great group of people, and that helped me so much. I have a way better understanding about what I want to do, and I talked with a few people who were feeling the same way I was feeling (family members, teachers, peers). It’s amazing what having a community of likeminded people can do. I’ve started writing songs again, and it’s become my first priority along with booking gigs and playing as much as I can. I’m learning to not get offended when I get turned away. In this industry you really have to jump when you have the chance, no matter if you’re ready or if you’re not. You can’t be afraid of criticism, and you can’t be afraid of hearing no. I was, for a very long time. With all the criticism comes amazing feedback from people you respect as well though. And I got a lot of both this year, which helped me a lot. I guess what I’m trying to say is I had to learn how to take things with a grain of salt and that criticism will help in the long run. Most people generally don’t criticize you to tear you down, they really do mean well, and want to help.

I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to share this story with the entire world online, writing this all down made me really emotional. Writing this experience down and reading it over has also made me feel extremely cathartic and helped me put things in perspective. Things always seem a lot worse in the moment than they do once you’re looking back, and I know I can definitely be a bit over dramatic (ask my mom, or Jordan, or literally anyone else I know).

I bring my guitar with me everywhere again, and I’m playing for fun again. It feels so good. I feel like myself again.

I have always wanted to be a musician.